Masks

The past couple of weeks have been difficult for me physically. I don’t want to be graphic or dramatic, but I am dealing with some severe health issues that have taken their toll. Yesterday, I had a scheduled appointment with a specialist that I love. She has helped me so much over the past few years. She is kind and we end up talking for a long time at every visit. I had several things I wanted to address with her, but they were pushed to the back burner by sudden illness the night before my appointment. This was my second time to have an episode, but this time, it was worse and left physical evidence of my suffering around my eyes and forehead (petechial hemorrhage). I have never experienced that and was quite freaked out when I saw it in the mirror, but my roommate reassured me that it was normal after what I had been through and that it would go away eventually.

So, the episode subsided between midnight and two in the morning. I am not sure when I began to feel a little better because I fell asleep. I decided that I could make it to my appointment, but all my preconceived ideas of what we would discuss were now overshadowed by this new problem. It took every ounce of strength within me to shower and dress for the appointment. I had offers of help and a ride to the doctor, but I didn’t want anyone to have to sit in this heat and wait on me and I didn’t want to expose anyone else to Covid by having them escort me into the hospital where my doctor’s office resides.

Since I don’t get to go out much due to the pandemic and my immune system, I decided to dress as I would if I were teaching onsite. I found a new top that I had not worn and I even put on a little jewelry and coordinated my mask with my clothing. (smile) I tried to look halfway decent despite how I was feeling. It was an outing, even if it was to the doctor’s office.

I made it there and had the waiting room to myself as I filled out paperwork since they have a “new” system. The nurse who escorted me back told me that I looked nice and asked me how I was feeling. I asked her to take a closer look and she saw the polka dots and realized that I was not doing well. She took me to the “sunshine” room as she called it and said that she hoped I would be cheered by the window and the view.

The doctor visit went well until I found out my doctor has decided to retire. I love her wisdom and her assistance in keeping me as well as possible and it breaks my heart that she is leaving. She had already matched me to someone she thought would be a good fit for my issues and I appreciated that, but my spirits sank lower to know this would be my last appointment with her. I do understand and she is tired and she has dreams and goals and plans to pursue, as well she should.

So, I left her office with mixed emotions to head to the satellite lab for blood work with a list of things “to do” to try to help me with this most recent illness. I made it to the lab and found the employees were some of the same ones I encountered last December when we discussed the holidays and going vegan and I told them I had experimented with a vegan sausage ball recipe. I meant to go back and take them some samples, but time got away from me and I never made it back. I told them I would make them some when I felt better, but until these current issues were resolved, I didn’t think I would be cooking very much.

The one girl that I talked with the most on my previous visit (She is a woman, but I still call her a girl. I guess it is a Southern thing, not sure.) was in another room helping a patient and she did not complete my lab work. I only waved at her as I went in for them to draw my blood. I was trying to schedule another appointment at the same time and apologized profusely to the lab technician for being on my cell phone. I explained that I had to try and arrange this as soon as possible per my doctor’s orders. I meant to be done by the time I left the waiting room, but I didn’t quite make it.

She assured me it was no problem and proceeded to draw blood and then told me I was all done. As I stepped back out into the hallway to leave, I looked across the room and told the one girl I had chatted with in December that I would make some vegan sausage balls and bring them. She smiled a 100-watt smile at me from across the room, her mask dangling from one ear, and told me not to worry about it and to feel better. Then, she fully turned to me and looked me in the eye and said, “You don’t look like what you are going through.” I paused for a moment and then I smiled back at her through my mask. Her words resonating with me as I walked out of the building.

I have pondered her words since yesterday. They really impacted me more than I can express. I think sometimes we become so absorbed in what we are experiencing that we lose ourselves in the circumstances. There is so much chaos and confusion and evil and hurt and illness and pain and heartache in this world. Those of you who walk through severe depression and anxiety and terminal illness and so many more things constantly deal with the daily overwhelming feeling of your situation.

Sometimes we try to get past it by dressing up or putting a smile on our faces or posting positive memes or just pretending that things are fine. Sometimes behind closed doors, we can barely go on. Life is difficult. Illness of any sort is difficult whether it be physical, mental, or emotional, or a combination of the three. When we look in the mirror, all we see is what we are going through. That is all I saw yesterday…my current illness and situation. I couldn’t get past that, but somehow she saw something beyond my situation.

So, I want you to remember something. When you look in the mirror and all you see is your situation, please remember you don’t look like what you are going through and you are NOT what you are going through. Masks are necessary at times, both figuratively and literally, to keep the world at a distance. Perhaps I just dressed up to try and help myself feel a little better. Perhaps you smile when your heart is breaking because you don’t want anyone to see the inside. Perhaps you are fearful of allowing the evil ones and the narrow-minded ones in this world to see the ‘real’ you. In order to survive you believe you have no choice but to wear a mask. Perhaps you are so overwhelmed with all the circumstances surrounding you that you cannot separate who you are from those circumstances. I don’t know your situation. I only know mine and while the simple statement made to me may mean nothing to you, it has stayed with me and played over and over in my mind.

God knew I needed to hear that and the reassurance that I did not look like what I was going through and that there is value in me, as a person, not my illness, circumstance, or other situation, would give me the hope and encouragement to continue despite my questions and doubts.

I hope that you reading this and knowing that you are more than…you don’t look like…and you are NOT your situation, will provide you with encouragement to keep pressing forward.

One of my favorite songs right now is “In Jesus Name (God of Possible)” by Katy Nichole. Here is my prayer for you from the words of this song:

“I speak the name of Jesus over you
In your hurting, in your sorrow
I will ask my God to move
I speak the name ’cause it’s all that I can do
In desperation, I’ll seek Heaven
And pray this for you

I pray for your healing
That circumstances would change
I pray that the fear inside would flee in Jesus name
I pray that a breakthrough would happen today
I pray miracles over your life in Jesus name, in Jesus name

I speak the name of all authority
Declaring blessings, every promise
He is faithful to keep
I speak the name no grave could ever hold
He is greater, He is stronger
He’s the God of possible

I pray for your healing

That circumstances would change

I pray that the fear inside would flee in Jesus name
I pray that a breakthrough would happen today
I pray miracles over your life in Jesus name, in Jesus name”

Until next time,

C.

Simply Written Words

I just deleted the past…past blog posts, that is. It felt good to click on all those posts and choose the trash can. Of course, they are not permanently deleted. I still have copies of every post and my brain has processed and stored every emotion and thought I felt when I wrote all those words. Nothing is simply written. Life is not simple. The only description of my posts that could be phrased as “simply written” would be that I was ‘simply’ sharing every emotion I was feeling at the time and trying to ‘simply’ survive, exist, or make some sense of the circumstances in my life in the moment.

Writing is my escape, but these days my thoughts and ideas for writing sometimes transpire while I am in the shower. I think there is a lesson to be learned from that, and that is…perhaps, not everything is meant to be written down and published. Usually, by the time I exit the shower, most of what I was plotting, planning, and vocalizing has disappeared from my thoughts. Since I have nowhere to write these thoughts down to review later, they usually don’t make it to the editing and publishing stage.

There are many things that I have thoughts and opinions and views about, but none of them are simple. They are quite complicated and involve a lot of emotionally charged words, depending on my current mood, level of hurt, frustration, or righteous indignation (which is not so righteous at times). Life is full of these emotionally charged moments. Headlines and trends and tragedies and trauma and heartache and confusion abound on every front. Love is sadly absent in much of our attitudes toward and dealings with others. So, there is nothing simple in writing these days. There was nothing simple when I began the blog several years ago, but I dreamed that it would be simple for a time until my rose-colored glasses were crushed under the foot of reality.

I think my title really wanted to convey the simplicity that you might find in a bygone era. They say life was simple then. I am not so sure. I think the same complications were present, but we were not saturated with connectivity via technology and media exposure like we are today. The level of hate and distrust and evil did not seem as prevalent as it is today. Is that because we had no way of knowing what was happening outside our social perimeters, or was it because we were a different society? I am not sure, probably the former. We have not changed that much as people, although we like to think we have progressed. Every time I think I see progress a trigger shows what lies just beneath the surface.

My innermost being longs to “fix” things, people, situations, scenarios and injustices. It is overwhelming to me that I can’t right all the wrongs and convey all the reasons why that viewpoint is not correct. The times my fingers hover over a keyboard longing to comment on a social media site to refute misinformation grows with each passing day. I find that people disappoint. They don’t research, but find justification in sharing something from someone’s brother’s uncle’s cousin that found an article from some private agenda media source. The name and blame propaganda permeates the media and truth is difficult to find after sifting through any news story from any resource these days.

It hurts my heart. I have been virtually slapped in the face so many times when trying to help through sharing corrections or trying to present fact-based research or explaining why the conclusion is biased and published to incite anger and revolt. I am sure there are many prayer lists that I have been added to due to sharing fact-based research with those who do not want to see or believe it. So, things have ceased to be simple and I can’t seem to find a way to make them simple again.

How did we get here? I do not know. I just know that I hope we don’t stay here. I hope that we continue to grow and evolve into beings who love instead of hate, pray and encourage instead of preach and berate, and listen and accept the struggles of others that is beyond our understanding and not reject out of ignorance. I know that somewhere that world exists. I hope that in my remaining years on this earth, I will be able to catch a glimpse of it. I dream that I will be surprised and that love and understanding and acceptance will become the norm. I pray for that every day. I hope for it. With impatience, I wait for it.

Until next time,

C.